Start. Hope. Wait. End

The journey starts today. I'm going to stop talking to someone for a while. It is for my own good. Well, anyways did some progress on structural vibrations and tonight I am suppose to study Mechanics of Solids. Lots to do tonight and I really hope I did well for my exam!

Stop.Think. Deprived. End.

Well, nothing much happened. I had this conversation with a friend and I did enjoy talking to him. It was really enlightening and I guess I miss intellectual conversation with someone. We talked about so many things. I talked about my past and present as well as my hopes and fears. I am honestly feeling lonely at times and I wish I have a partner to talk with about anything. I miss that feeling still. On the other hand, my ex called at night and we chatted a while. I just do not get it. I mean even though we are no longer together but I can feel the feeling is still there. Maybe I'm thinking too much but I do think this person has the same feeling as I do. I do care about this person still and really this person meant a lot to me. It just sucks that we cannot be together for an understandable reason. But, I'm leaving it as it is. You can only hope for the best right? Besides, I need to move on. There are many fishes out there in the sea and I will keep looking until I find one. Tomorrow going to be a hectic day for me since I will be doing two full math exams as exercises. I can't really sleep that well anymore. Exam is just around the corner!

Stop. Depress. End.


Manchester United lost again this time with Leeds United in Carling Cup. I do not understand what is happening to MU. They had few chances but they blew it flatly. Every time they got the ball they did not finish it well. One of the chances was so near to the goalpost! I am sure Ferguson has a lot to say to his team. I must say that Owen cannot play well. I guess he is quite inconsistent. Rooney was good but was not performing for this match, all his kick was out of place. In frustration, I had a late dinner which did not go well too because the food was not great. We actually went to a restaurant to watch the match but in the end we found out that the restaurant did not has Astro Supersport. We rushed back to Uni and watched the match at Student Associations Building. We were lucky because the match actually started at 8.55 p.m. We thought it started at 8.30 p.m. I feel sad Manchester lost. Hope they will be better next week. They lost the first match of the year at home ground. That is really devastating for the fans. Buckle up MU!

Stop. Think. Change. End.

It was featured in The Prince. This philosophy, I was opposed of it when I was in secondary school. But when I think about it, it is relevant because it is a fact that you cannot always be nice to get what you want. I had this conversation with a friend yesterday and it kept me thinking the whole day today. I feel the need to alter myself and comes to terms with the philosophy. Obviously, I will not allow this philosophy change who I am but I do hope it changes something in the future. All actions have their own reaction. Thus, I am prepared to receive any punishment from my actions if there is any. But it does help me get what I want then by all means I am happy. Let us look at our top leader, Dr. Mahathir, he was an aggressive politician. I know he believes in this philosophy. Not many politicians like him but he did bring Malaysia to a new level, that we cannot deny. I used to hate him for what he did but when I think back, he did wonders and I must say that he is one of the reason why Malaysia is still developing rapidly. Well, time to explore new possibility and test this philosophy in my life!

Stop. Think. Reflect. End.
It's a new decade all right. At this time, you would put your past in retrospect and you want to evaluate what have you achieved in the year of 2009. I have found my happiness and lost it in 2009. It was an hurtful experience to lose someone you love but the most important part is to learn something from it and I did learn.

On the other hand, my New Year resolution is simple this year, I want to get my happiness back and I hope I can achieve it. I am never going to give up hoping and I will work hard to achieve it. I am in the situation where I have the power to do anything right now. It is a scary dilemma because it can make me do stupid stuff. I pull it out in 2009 and it continue to haunts me even until now. I hope god will forgive me about this but I think it is necessary to get what I want no matter how selfish this sounds to be to everyone of you. But, since when humans are not selfish?

My other resolution is to keep my blog as updated as possible. I have not been a good blogger. Not a single post for the last month. I will write more from now on. This coming exam and the current semester really took my whole time. I could not even breathe as assignment keep piling up whenever I wanted to catch some air. It has been a crazy semester!

My third resolution is to get buffer and better. I was so happy when my friend compliment how buffed up I am now. Yes I already have the six packs but since I am quite thin it is only visible when I sit or lie down. I do hope that I do gain a bit weight too to achieve the ideal weight (51 kg is the one I am looking for- not a kg more or less). It involves hard work and good diet. But I will try to gain at least few more kg's this year because I know my body still has a high metabolism rate.

Forth resolution is to be better in life. I want to improve myself to be better. The coming exam is inclusive of this resolution. I want to get better marks for this semester. On the other hand, I will be better with my friends. I noticed that I have create a wall with some of my friends because of i still have not move on. This will not happen for this year hopefully and I am determined to keep in touch with all of my friends. This si also important since OBS is this year too and I will meeting all my friends back.

Clock is showing 1.40 am. I'm supposed to be in bed right now to catch up my so needed sleep but I just don't want to not until I should do what I am supposed to do every day. I just watched The Time Traveller's Wife and I just think it was the most beautiful romantic movie I ever watch this year. It brings up a theme that I always thought about sometimes. I wish I know the future because I myself am desperate to know what is going to happen. My eagerness in this matter is triggered by my insecure feelings deep inside me that I know I cannot avoid. I may not know everything but how I wish I know one thing, whether I will be happy in life. It haunts me every day trying to find the answer and it is always depressing to not get an answer. In life I should understand that you cannot answer all the questions unless of course you are god.

The unique about not knowing the future is that it makes you hope. Hope creates spark to live a life and waiting for the opportunity of your dream to come true. My happiness I usually based upon people around me and when someone is down, I feel down too. On this note, there is one particular person that I feel the pain and I know this person needs all the support. You once told me life is never fair. It is true but that does not mean it has to be that way. Life is sometimes harsh but there is no reason for you to give up. I believe that you will get through it because I know you will. Faith is all I have for you and I hope it is enough for you to stay positive to get what you need.

The only one thing that I don’t want you to do is to blame yourself because it was never your fault. I understand you want to take the blame but you are lucky that nobody points out to you that you are the blame for the bad things that happened. Maybe you did but like I once told you it was never your fault. Economic downturn was not your fault. People losing jobs was not your fault and certainly your problem is not your fault. You need to understand that life is like a wheel. You are at the bottom now and you will be on top someday. I know you will. Hope is a good thing and do not give up that hope. I prayed that if god wants to punish you then I am willing to take your place. Almost certainly I will take the burden but sadly I know god's test is not a baton that can be passed on. But god never tests his faithful follower when he knew you cannot take it.

I know it is frustrating to never get what you want but do not ever give up. You will get through this and I will be there along the journey if you need anything. I wish I can do more because it breaks my heart to see you this way but I do hope you know that I am with you a 100%. That is all I can do for you not because you are just my friend but because you are more than that.

You once told me that you feel sorry it is always about you. I forgot to say this. It does not matter. Something about you is also a part of us and what is part of us is also a part of me. You cannot imagine how I really do care about you. I miss you always but I always keep you close by. Let’s hope god hear what I have to say today and I hope someday he will. Just maybe... ((A))

Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in order people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.

Over and Out 2.30 a.m.

Dear diary, I could not be more wrong. I thought I could smile, nod my way
through it, pretend it will be all be okay. I had a plan. I wanted to change who
I was. Played a life with someone new, someone without the past, without the
pain, someone to laugh. But it is not that easy, the bad things stay with you.
They followed you. You cannot escape them as much as you want to. All you can do
is regreted it for the good so when it comes you invited it in because you need
it, I need it. Quoted from The Vampire Diaries Episode 1

Well, first of all, I know some of the words do not make sense but I tried my best to hear and write what Stephen and Eliana said in the series. Anyways, most imporantly, I do understand what they want to talk about. Everyone has a past and you cannot run from it as much as you try. On top of it all, the past shaped who you are now. Humans learn a lot by making mistakes because they usually learn from it. However, not all humans try to take their past as a lesson learnt and keep repeating the same mistake over and over again. Well, I guess maybe I was one of them. You know someties I wish things will not end the same. This is my weakness, I believe in the good side of people. I did not think it over and decided to follow my heart and it became a big mistake. Anyways, I want to start afresh. Time will heal everything and I am giving myself time to recover.

I have been spending too much time with House M.D. The series to me is interesting because I can relate myself to it. I am more like Dr. Gregory House and Dr. James Wilson combined together. My friends who knew me knows how sarcastic I can get when it comes to giving comment but I do believe that giving blatantly truthful comments are much more better than lying to your own friends. I hate hypocrisy and I will not tolerate people behaving as such although I do understand you can never run away from being a hypocrite. I however will try my best to reduce behaving that way.
Dr. James Wilson reminds me much of my good side. He pitied and get fooled easily by the kindness of the people around him. Rather naive I must say and that is who I am. I trust people easily and that is an attribute that makes me cry often. I know to most of us, crying is not a bad thing but being hurt by the people who you love is something more painful than being punched in the stomach. If you punch people you can actually feel the pain but when you get hurt it is a pain you can never see but you can actually feel it. The only similarity of those two comparison is that both of them will be heal in time only the former takes time even years to recover.
Two days ago, I watched the season finale of House season 4. Dr. James Wilson girlfriend, Amber died in the episode and for the first time I saw humanity in Dr. House. He felt guilty for Amber’s death but being Dr. House he could not express it well. It reminds me of how I deal my latest sadness in my life. When I heard the news I could not cry. I tried to because I know it makes me feel better but somehow I could not do it. There is some part of me who did not want me to feel better thus I became a mess. Being in a state of depression, I slept for a few hours to wash away the sadness. It worked but obviously not for long.
It was rather a sweet episode really even though it ends with death. I saw how much Dr. James loved Amber. Even saying goodbye to Amber made him cry beforehand and he accompanied her until he switched off her life support. Even the people whom she was competing with came to see her to wish her goodbye. I believe that death really makes people put behind their past and forgive one and another. The ending of the season finale was a good one I must say, showing three different images of three different people. One was Taub who went home and went straight to the bed to sleep with his wife already sleeping on the bed. Second was Kutner who spent the rest of the night watching tv probably his favourite movie or series. The third which was the moving of all was Dr. Foreman who spent time with his friends, Dr Cameroon and Dr. Chase. We all deal our grieves in a lot of ways but friends are always there to cheer us on. They are the ones who make us keep moving and until now I cannot give enough gratitude to my friends who helped me through the journey so far.

We all know what happiness is. It is rather subjective really to some people, happiness is defined to some people when you get straight A's or when your first baby is born. We all want to keep our happy memories intact with us, carry them whenever we can and we usually neglect sad or bad memories. I on the other hand always try to hold on to happiness of my past. It is to me a bad thing because when you are trying to hold something of the past you always miss it and wish you can take the ride all over again. Today I realised that I need to get out from the past and move forward. It is honestly hard for me but I need to understand that all people are selfish and they only care about themselves. I found the happiness of my life last year and I am afraid to say I lost it again. Sometimes I feel like I am being cursed because I cannot be happy for a long time. That is why I have not been writing my blog for quite some time and moving out to Blogspot is a rather huge change in me because I usually like to keep things. I will no longer update my Friendster blog and I will continue on writing here as I go along with my life about things I want to discuss.If I want to discuss about happiness, it is usually a happy thing. Of course I am pointing out the obvious. But, to gain happiness you actually have to work hard to get it. You might have to shed a tear or sweat to gain it but sometimes you do not even have to work hard. There is of course a level of happiness but the question is who have the right to judge the happiness in your life? I mean nobody has the right to even judge or rate how happy you are. As I ponder about this thing, I realised how subjective the world is. It is not easily defined so that is why we need a convention on how to define it. By having a certain explanation we can easily sort people whether they are happy or sad. But by doing that, you are defining and generalising about people. This is usually bad. You cannot say that, a failing student is not as happy as a straight A's student when the failing student gets a pass. See what I mean? Happiness is never gain easily. Most often you have to work hard to achieve it.If you ask me, I am really not sure whether I am content with my life. I might sound ungrateful but sometimes I wish that I can do certain things to make my life better. Nobody can understand how sad I am inside but I did my best to suppress it because I know if I let it out I might not even be here writing this. But I do believe in Karma, what goes around comes around and the happiness that I am searching for is still out there. I am still hoping and I shall keep looking for it. In the meantime, happiness is still an illusion for me. Only time will tell.